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This week hundreds of thousands of students started classes at colleges and universities and one thing is increasingly clear by the time they graduate most students are going to be leaving with a lot more than just a tacky polyester robe and a copy of other places you'll go that their teeth tearful aren't got them they'll be leaving with this seven of ten graduating from students left college last year in debt the total bill due for students in America tops one trillion dollars that's right student debt in the U.S. is now bigger than debt from credit cards and auto loans and is second only to mortgages essentially student debt is like HPV if you go to college you're almost certainly going to get it and if you do, it will follow you for the rest of your life because legally student debt is a special kind of debt it is the most collectible kind of debt there is it is non-dischargeable in bankruptcy they will garnish your wages they will intercept your tax refunds they will sue you in court they won't stop there they'll steal your wallets they'll pawn your baby shoes they will shrink themselves down to two inches high hide in your pocket and take that money back one dime at a time student debt has tripled in the past decade it has surpassed Bob Marley's greatest hits album as the thing seemingly every college students has how did this happen well more than 90 percent of student debt is subsidized by the federal government, and it all started with such good intentions here is one of the federal student loan programs early champions poverty must not be a bar to learning and learning must offer and escape from poverty ah escape from poverty by the way the single worst Kurt Russell movie ever made, but a higher education system open to all was one of LBJ's top priorities along with creating of course a Libyan pool party in Vietnam and finding a pair of pants that could contain his gigantic testicles now that last one might sound like a joke but listen to this actual phone conversation that he had in the Oval Office with a representative from the Hangar clothing company the Crimes down were you nuts Hank is always a little too tight so when you make them up give me a Beat that I can read out there because they cut me this is like right now why offense good CGK believe me about the needs from the for the zipper ends round under my back my bunghole look we all thought they'd be in LBJ stood for Bates, but it actually stands for balls my big bulbous balls are too close to my bunghole isn't history fun but like LBJ's testicles the federal student loan program has now swollen too uncomfortable proportions one reason for this might be that in recent years states have slashed funding for higher education by 23% public institutions have responded by raising tuition rates forcing students to take out ever larger loans why else do you think the colleges have so many fucking a cappella groups they know they sound stupid they just can't afford instruments anymore...
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